


[Discontinued] Give me love

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hate to Love, Love/Hate, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-10 13:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6987145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you push hard enough it's meant to be yours, is what Yuta thinks. But he's wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hold me like you mean it

There are a million things Yuta could describe about Ten.  
  
Like how his smile was beyond perfection, how his teeth were perfectly aligned when he did beam at anyone, how his voice turned shrill to scratchy in a quick moment, how his eyes lit up... Yuta knows there are a million things.

He just knows he can say all those million things about him, because being in love with Ten is thinking about every single thing that makes him adorable. Being in love with Ten is cherishing the little conversations which are mostly enthusiastic rambles on Ten's part. Being in love with Ten is staying as close as possible, every little detail about Ten scribbled on his being.

There are a million things which cross his mind when he decides to confront him with his feelings.

Because being in love means to eventually confess. Yuta wants Ten to know how he feels about him. Yuta wants to have that feeling returned.  
  
 _There's the Bangkok trip,_ he thinks. _It's the perfect time.  
_  
He goes, asking directions to Ten's hotel room after much suspicion from JaeHyun and after coaxing HanSol out.  
  
The room's empty.

It's a long walk back to his own shared suite, filled with puffs of chest and mental reminders to make sure where Ten is before thinking of confessing but he can't help but feel a tiny bit dejected.

There's no moment when he's alone after all. And he can't even take a shower with Ten without getting interrupted by Suh YoungHo with the huge-ass camera lens and jealous-ass eyes. But then that's nothing. He's in love with Ten. And being in love with Ten means he's willing to wait.

A moment before the knob is twisted by his hand, he can hear distinct voices.  
  
He's never got his head around why he can make out TaeYong's voice anywhere, be it amongst a crowd of screaming fans or against the blaring smtown ending song. It's nothing special, but Yuta is always the first to snap his head up when TaeYong speaks.  
  
"I'm sorry Ten, I- look, we're all friends here and I like you but not romantically...just, I'm sorry"

A moment of silence follows. But Yuta could swear he heard his heart shatter. Ten doesn't bother looking at Yuta once he's out of the room and slamming the door shut. "Chittaphon!" Yuta calls, his heart pounding, an odd sort of pain washing over him. Ten stops running in the hall and looks back with the saddest eyes he's seen.  
  
"Oh hyung...uh good night"

Those weren't the words Yuta wanted to hear. Being in love with Ten meant that Yuta wanted Ten to run to him, to need him. There was a thread of Yuta's desperation to hang onto Ten, to be there for every little inflection he felt in his life.  
  
Maybe Ten will talk about this the next day and Yuta would get a chance to show him how much he's the one that should love him? Not 'maybe', 'definitely'. _Because I'm in love with Ten, love is returned. Always._

He pushes the door open. There was TaeYong with the phone, sitting on a neatly made bed and typing up some thing. Even if he was aware of Yuta coming in, he wouldn't flinch, that's just how he is. Yuta knows he texts little. Only few that he actually cares about receive a greeting and the rest are as good as ignored by him.  
  
Yuta has been in the latter category for as long as he can remember.  
  
They're close, undoubtedly that's a paradox they've mugged up and an act they've rehearsed. How TaeYong's arm ends up on Yuta's shoulder at times, how he whispers nonsense commentatory into his ear, they never agreed to acting like they're close. But if it works with making the rest of the group think everything's warm and happy between them then it's alright. But TaeYong is not the guy he'd want to go watch a game with or the guy he could stand sitting opposite to him at a coffee table. Scratch all of that, he isn't the guy who he could stand anywhere because TaeYong is not TaeYong. He's still a kid, finding bits and pieces of himself, indecisive and holding onto anything that he deems acceptable.

Yuta despises the directionless, the substanceless, those that feign what they're not.  
  
Everything about TaeYong is fleeting and illusory. He is deceptive, Yuta knows and TaeYong knows that Yuta is the best evaluator of his character and so he doesn't bother charming Yuta the way he does others.

Because Yuta will always see through him.  
  
Sometimes TaeYong thinks he doesn't know himself.  
  
He could ask Yuta, they could talk. But they don't talk. They don't talk about themselves, their families, their likes dislikes, food preferences; because to both, opening up a part of each other wasn't professional at all.  
  
They're roommates. They don't have to be friends, they don't have to have anything other than a professional relationship.

Roommates aren't people who are best friends unless they're voluntarily roommates.

Roommates are simply strangers who happen to use the same damn room and bathroom for as long as they have to. That's what TaeYong is to Yuta. A stranger.

Yuta should take pride in his ability to scan, to penetrate into the soul and dig out things which he shouldn't, the deepest secrets, the darkest truths, the sickening habits, but it's become a craze- simply to know.  
  
And it's disappointing that there is nothing in TaeYong to know about TaeYong.

Like Ten reads minds, Yuta doesn't just read minds, it's fun and everything, but he chooses not to. He knows how Ten does it, being observant is all it takes after all.

TaeYong, is an open book to Yuta. No, he's a book of blank pages. There is nothing about him that is his own. Yuta has met people, watched people and he's always been fascinated by the vibrancy of the stories they have engraved on the tablets of their souls, of how much colour they have in the past pages of their lives, how there's always something to appreciate in everyone.  
  
And then there's Lee TaeYong.

TaeYong, to Yuta is disinteresting.

The pages are blank, they momentarily fill with just the right kind of words different readers want to read when they pass by him. TaeYong is disappointing, because he'd expected much more from what he looked like. Yuta hadn't expected someone who was cowardly and willing to give up his personality, to remodel it according to what fans wanted, what the manager wanted, what people other than he wanted.

Yuta had read it all, right when he first met him. His eyes held no emotion and Yuta knew why. And to say there's little hatred bubbling in his chest as he remembers how Ten, whom Yuta loves whom Yuta admires and puts above himself in degrees of perfection, this Ten had just confessed to TaeYong, the contempt for both, the crippling pain of a kind of hatred and a kind of envy, a kind of frustration, to say all of these were little, it would be an understatement.  
  
 _How could you love TaeYong?  
  
How could you not love me?  
  
I know you, I know you better than anyone else, Ten.  
  
If you had to love someone, why is it not me? _

Yuta flicks the light off. The last thing he sees is the hated man's face shining blue by the light from his cell phone.

Neither would accept that they never speak because they're afraid to let go of a part of themselves as if they unconsciously know that emitting a little shard meant giving it to each other. Neither would ever know, if they continued, that Yuta's pageless life, full of fluid ink overwriting others stories and memories and traits was the one thing TaeYong's blank needed. Certain times, the human naïvety to thoughtlessly lend affection works in wondrous ways, talking can close wounds, words can ice the burn and loving can heal it forever.  
  
With the lights off, his glasses in the bag by his foot, TaeYong thinks it best condemn technology and grabs a pencil and a paper. He intends to sketch, but instead he ends up writing.

Hardly had he written the first word down when he Yuta snores loudly from the bed beside him and TaeYong feels the little pain in his chest dissolve away. TaeYong shakes his head since he forgot the first word while he was looking at Yuta and he tips his pencil to scratch it.  
  
He freezes and doesn't scratch it.  
  
The word 'Yuta' stays written on the paper.

TaeYong crumples it and sleeps. After a while of uneasiness, he gets up to fold and keep it in his bag, secure inside a book.  
  
 _The paper somehow...feels like me._

Yuta doesn't know that TaeYong wasn't always this way. It was only when he met Yuta that he did erase everything he knew about himself. For reasons that are important to him.

TaeYong was indeed a set of blank pages, but there was one word he knew was always there- and that was Yuta.  
  
×  
  
"Yuta hyung!" Ten shouts just as Yuta is about to run to his room and cry out an ocean of tears.

 _It was Johnny and Ten all along, I knew it._ There's a ghastly whisper in his head. _Why is it not me Ten?_

 _Why not me?_ He would introspect, but there can't be anything wrong. He's in love with Ten.

"I love you, Ten"  
  
 _You ought to have me, Ten._  
  
Ten stops climbing the stairs and simply looks back into Yuta's blurry eyes. Yuta's stomach feels sick remembering how Ten's eyes had sparkled when he looked at Johnny. Now when he looks at him, there's no such love, no such gleam.  
  
 _But why?_  
  
"Hyung I knew. And you-you think you're in love hyung when you're not!"  
  
"How can you just- _speculate?"_

"Yuta-hyung, I was in love with someone or so I thought but, I was wrong..." Yuta knows the reference is to TaeYong. His head feels concussed, his fists clench in anger.  
  
"I really don't love you hyung. You might be wrong too."

"What makes you think you're right? That Johnny is who you want? Am I not good enough?"

"I'm sure hyung, d-don't question that. I wanted to give a chance to someone who loves me-"  
  
"Don't I love you Ten? Why don't you believe me?" Ten lets his head drop. There's still the weariness from today's show beckoning them to rest but Ten leans on the railing.

"I love him. And you need to give a chance to someone who loves you, like I did, please. Hyung I want you to be happy."

Nothingness flashes on Yuta's face as he skips two three stairs and rushes to his room in short strides as if he was running away from his problems. His back hits the mattress and he can see TaeYong is jabbing his fingers on the screen slowly and carefully, as usual he'd made no indication of ackowledgement of Yuta's presence.  
  
 _Pretence. He pisses me off._  
  
"Can you sleep in the next room?" Yuta asks him, irked.  
  
"No"  
  
"I'm requesting you"  
  
"You asked me a simple yes or no question. Requests are a different thing"

"God this is why I hate you! I had the worst day of my life, I've lost everything I wanted and then when I deserve some peace and quiet there's you! The most, well you're nothing. Why can't you be someone who listens? Why can't you stop being a douchebag who only likes to annoy me and give me 5 seconds of attention and then walks off as if I'm a flea or something? Why can't you just stop being an asshole and go into the next fucking room and leave me alone!" Yuta hasn't yelled enough. It's never enough. There's a part of him that wants TaeYong to retort with something he can yell more at. Something pretentiously smart from TaeYong is all he needs to have another verbal brawl and then he can sleep peacefully.

But TaeYong is shockingly calm, getting up and clicking his phone off, turning his full attention to Yuta as if he hadn't just yelled in profane language a second ago.  
  
"Are you done?"  
  
"What" comes out cracked and shrill.

"I asked you if you were done calling me an asshole for the nothing I've done to you and I ask again, are you done?" The colour drains off Yuta's face as he fearfully looks at TaeYong. His words seep into himself, as if the venom from his words had splattered on his own skin, he goes blank.

Ten is happy with Johnny. Ten was previously in love with TaeYong and if they had been together, Ten would've been happy as well. It strikes Yuta that all this time he has been against Ten finding his happiness in his own way and wanting to maul over him with his own wishes. Yuta wants to kick himself, a good nice horse kick because he is in love with Ten, and with that, he desired against his happiness every single wakeful moment he was in love with him.

And worst of all, he let his flame of hatred for his roommate get fueled by the fact that he judged him as undeserving of Ten when all the while it had been he who had been undeserving of anything. TaeYong notices how Yuta has gone pale and it is the first time he reaches out for him. "Yuta, are you okay?"  
  
The younger cant see how worried TaeYong is he can only see Ten's face repeatedly flash before his eyes saying, that he should find someone who loves him.  
  
 _What a joke._  
  
A pitiful smile cracks on Yuta's face as he blinks back tears. Pitiful because of self pity of maybe all this time Ten had pitied him too. "I'm okay," he says to TaeYong and hopes that he bought it. He wonders if TaeYong pities him too. Well he must, Yuta is a selfish dick who despises and judges for no good reason, as the events of tonight have told. His conscience urges, telling him that his world was focused on his love for Ten which turns out, was only a greedy want to fill up his own affectionless heart.  
  
 _That couldn't have been love._

Ten's patronizing tone, the inlaid mockery, _you should give a chance to someone who loves you,_ that is something Yuta will never forget, because Ten said it as if he knew that no one loved him.

Yuta falls back onto the bed, as if lifeless. He lets his sideburns get sogged with tears.  
 _  
If it was that easy to find someone who loves me, when I can name one thing that I can love about myself. When all I've done is hurt Ten who means a lot to me. Probably wanted TaeYong to drive himself off a cliff so that I could have my life as perfect. What do I deserve? Certainly not Ten. And certainly never love._

Yuta doesn't realise when TaeYong warms up his side and pulls him to his chest, but he does know that the next second he's crying ugly and clawing at TaeYong's shirt not able to bear hatred for himself.  
  
"Are you done making a melodrama out of whatever it is you're crying about, because it's not like you"

"TaeYong you don't know me"

"We've been trainees together for years and roommates for - do I have to remind you of these things?"  
  
"It's not like we've ever talked TaeYong...and if you're trying to say we've known each other for a long time, it doesn't matter to me because you-"  
  
"Because I?"

"You are...I don't understand you. I don't want to understand you. I appreciate you trying to act all nice and all-"  
  
"Should I leave?" Within a flicker, Yuta's heart beat stops because TaeYong shouldn't. _He can't leave, I'll be left with no one on this dreadful day an-_ Yuta's jaw drops as TaeYong leans his forehead aginst his and caresses his face, making Yuta look up from his shirt, into his warm eyes. He takes a moment to answer because the his question means a lot.  
  
 _Sometimes I think I have no one...will you stay if I ask you to stay?_

But then again he's being selfish, thinking about manipulating a person's concern to his advantage. So lost in thoughts is he that he he frailly doesn't notice TaeYong's comforting gestures; the light kiss he places on the top of his head, the way he holds him as if Yuta was not just emotionally breaking-as if he had to do this to keep Yuta from falling apart.

"You hate me. I am a vacant bloke who provides you no entertaining thing to look at so should I leave? Answer me"

Yuta bites back a 'no'. He thinks it's only out of desperation that he'll ever ask TaeYong to stay.

"What if I say yes?"

TaeYong sighs. "I'll go first thing in the morning to the manager and say the older room arrangement was much better"

"Why?"  
  
"Isn't that what you want? Don't you want a room all to yourself again? No sharing, no me? Well you despise me, I'm surprised you're asking"  
  
"TaeYong I don't hate yo-"

"You said it. You lie, you'd said it," TaeYong gets up and Yuta is lost, there's the harsh slap of loneliness and how guilty he feels for having judged TaeYong all wrong an unemotional when it was TaeYong who held him for comfort and was willing to be there.  
  
 _It hasn't just been this time. He's always been there and I didn't notice, I didn't care because I thought he was only pretending.  
_  
Yuta has never seen TaeYong so hurt. _I didn't know. I didn't you were bothered by my behaviour towards you or weren't you?_ He feels like ripping up curtains, kicking something, screaming - anything to give vent to his frustration.

 _I don't even deserve to have someone as caring as TaeYong. It's best he goes- I'm a wreck, I'm no good._  
  
"Why are you so fucking bothered I hate you? You don't care!"  
  
TaeYong stops picking up his blanket. "Actually I do. And I hope we split up into subgroups so that I never see you again"

_I lost Ten. I'm losing you. I don't want to lose you. Who do I have?_

"I'm sorry" he says sincerely. TaeYong is cross he doesn't look at him. "Of course you're sorry about something that must've happened. That's why you're crying"  
  
 _I'm the worst. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._  
  
"TaeYong...will you listen?" As pissed as he is, for Yuta judging him and hating him as if the cold war wasn't enough to break his being, for Yuta to go to the lengths of being thankless for anything TaeYong's done for him, TaeYong's heart still pounds for his roommate. As it always has. Maybe, he just needs someone right now. Someone to listen to him. He should understand what Yuta is so bothered about. He should listen.  
  
Because he cares.

There are people who are afraid to love but they gradually break the shell, taking that risk.

Then there are people like Yuta, who are afraid of loving, because they know that they give it their all and expect a lot in return, which is never possible. And then there are people like TaeYong, who love in the sidelines. Unconditionally, commitedly, not wanting anything, not expecting anything- who kill themselves inside because of their passion for love. It is his nature that has him cradling Yuta in his arms and making him comfortable enough to sleep. He has forgotten who he is, in all of the worlds training, schedules, coming back to see Yuta either frowning or saying fuck-off with his facial expressions and then going to sleep thinking why Yuta held such contempt for him.  
  
"Let's get out"

It's a bad attempt. Trying to lighten Yuta's head with an enthusiastic tone. He knows Yuta is hurt, vulnerable but all TaeYong wants, is to see that goal to get one gummy smile out of Yuta fulfilled.

"Are you suggesting we wander in the streets of Seoul without any supervision at minutes beyond midnight?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"TaeYong that's nuts"  
  
"Be a sport, come on! You've stopped crying," TaeYong wipes the last of Yuta's tears and then smiles and then Yuta hears and sees it.  
  
"And you've got to give me a chance to show you how midnight rendevous can be real fun."

Yuta's mind goes blank.

All he can hear, echoing and reverting in his head are TaeYong's words and he is powerless to turn away from the way TaeYong's eyes have got him transfixed.  
  
 _Give me a chance._  
  
He discards the first conclusion that he makes. TaeYong's eyes are gleaming, Yuta's never seen him look at him like that. It's like how Ten's eyes sparkle when he looks at Johnny. Right now Yuta is recovering from his own misinterpretations of what love is and TaeYong, before him looks content, he looks extremely happy contrasted to his own misery and for a second Yuta realises he likes seeing TaeYong this way. His expression tugs at his heart, melting his pain away. He wonders that if he agrees to go with him, he would look at him like that some more.

"You're in love, arent you?" Yuta says smiling up at him, suddenly reminencing how he'd never get the opportunity to love anyone- never feel content like TaeYong, never look that happy. There's an odd figment of him that wishes TaeYong would say no- probably because Yuta is heavily trying to deny that he wants TaeYong's comfort all to himself, he wants that sparkle of his eyes only for him.  
  
Yuta slaps himself. _Selfish._  
  
 _No, let it be._  
  
TaeYong says thoughtfully, "Yes, I am."  
  
 _With you_ seems more or less implied as TaeYong links their fingers together and quietly helps them creep out of the dorm. They get caught first thing by the manager so Yuta makes an excuse of a midnight snack and TaeYong pretends he was sleepwalking. With the manager unconvinced, they return to their room and burst into hysterics as soon as the door shuts. Somewhere in the middle of breathy muted laughter, the agony that both had disappears. Yuta smiles a lot, but never has he smiled and laughed so much with TaeYong. There's this subtle change, and he likes it, it makes him happy. Yuta looks at TaeYong who is a laughing ball on the floor and maybe it makes TaeYong happy too.  
  
"We need to get Manager-hyung his own room," Yuta says.  
  
"He has one, he just knows we sneak out at night so he sleeps in the main hall," TaeYong says before laughing out, "Those were the worst lies of my life."

And then he pouts and looks at the time, sighing because three o'clock is too late. "Maybe sometime later?" Yuta says, the hilarity of the manager's face making him smile. TaeYong stares, unable to control himself at how he actually got that trademark gummy smile out of Yuta. "Yeah, and I'm glad youre feeling better," he says and pats Yuta's shoulder before diving into his bed to sleep.  
  
"You're being sincere"  
  
"I am always sincere," Taeyong says annoyed.  
  
"No I mean in a good way," Yuta hurriedly adds, "Thank you...for being sincere with uh-"  
  
 _For not making fun of me breaking down. For not hating me though I hated you. For holding me when I needed someone to do that._  
  
"Can we make some rules? Since this is the first time we're actually appreciating each other's existence?"  
  
"Oh okay"  
  
"Good. One, never thank me. Two, nightly Seoul is the best so you will not kill me if I wake you up at midnight. Three...okay that's all I have to suggest. You make your's."

Yuta purses his lips. "Three- I'm afraid of ghosts so we need to have twenty flashlights. Four, you do my laundry. And five..."

TaeYong gags, "As if I already don't do your laundry."

"You really look like you're happy and, satisfied and in love. So teach me how to be that way. That's all of my rules."  
  
TaeYong lifts his head from his pillow. There's a second of silence but then he agrees,"Alright. But you shouldn't find it funny."

"I won't"  
  
"Then good night" Yuta switches the light off and it's the first time since he first came to Korea that he goes to sleep feeling content and peaceful.  



	2. Hidden

"Y'know that moment when you totally know what you wanna do in your life as a profession and go maniacal cuz you want it so much? I guess you've had that, you love to sing," TaeYong says, flying paper planes in the night sky.

"That's dropping on the watch guard's head," Yuta comments, "And yeah, that kind of maniacal thing is what all of us trainees have in common. So what about it?"

"Well that's one way to explain what love is."

"You mean maniacal?" Yuta says, bewildered.

"Honestly, it drives you nuts."

"Well I don't think that's helpful as to understand how _you don't_ look nuts to me."

TaeYong runs his fingers through his hair. Being in 2k16 pretty much sucks because childhood reflex makes you snap your head up only to be met with lousy old dusty sky with no stars.

But then Yuta doesn't have to look much for something glittery and beautiful to look at. There are TaeYong's eyes, that will always fit that description.

"The thing is- I didn't show anyone I went nuts, though I did. It was a pretty bad phase. But I knew what I had to do of it."

TaeYong speaks as if falling in love was like a God-given duty that fell upon his head and that he had to swear an oath to keep and protect his love or something. Then again, he says it was a bad phase; Yuta knows love drives people crazy but that's a good kind of crazy. What TaeYong is talking about sounds like cancer.

"You make love sound like a sickness," Yuta comments to which TaeYong lamely dances to Overdose. Yuta throws a paper ball at him, he thinks he's highly embarrassing though there's no one on the roof but them. "Okay so what did you do when you fell in love? Off to the doctor or...?"

"I locked myself up in the dorm," TaeYong confesses and looks down while exhaling. "And then I cried."

_"You what?"_

Yuta must be looking at him with pingu wide eyes because of all the things Lee TaeYong doesn't cry. Yuta's sure that guy's part hollow; he doesn't get touched easily or is just too strong to cry. The only time he cried was after a phone call from his mother telling him that Ruby was sick.

"I cried because I was an emotional whirlpool, you can say," TaeYong elaborates, making a weird circular motion with his hands. "I didn't understand what was happening to me but in the end I think the world wanted to force the whole 'falling in love' thing on me."

"All of this is deviating from my rule number five," Yuta says, looking annoyed.

"See that's what you're doing wrong," TaeYong rebuttals. And Yuta's mouth hangs open.

"Huh?"

"You want to know how I'm happy so that you can be happy. If you'd be in love, you wouldn't be thinking that direction. You'd be thinking completely opposite to your own happiness."

 _You're being selfish,_ is what Yuta hears and then he apologises. "Yeah I got that. I'm sorry. Continue."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm willing to learn."

TaeYong smirks and takes a step closer to where Yuta is sitting on the edge, making his heart jump out and numb his body with discomfort.

_It's not TaeYong, maybe I'm wearing too many jackets that make me feel like this._

"What if I tell you love is different for everyone? What if I tell you love is felt differently by me and it will be different for you?"

"Get to the point. And honestly, I don't care."

"You're always focused on giving and loving, I like that about you," TaeYong says and there's a most attractive smile playing across his lips which has Yuta staring and feeling a bit uncomfortably warm in the neck.

 _It's the jackets. Of course it's the jackets.  
_  
"I-no. W-Well yeah maybe. I don't kno-"

"But what I don't like is that you overlook a couple of things," TaeYong says and turns to launch another paper plane.

Yuta narrows his eyebrows and looks at TaeYong, "Overlook?"

"You're so hell bent on the whole idea of of 'I freakin want somebody that I can love' that you ignore what's most important-"

"And that is?"

"Do you cut everyone's sentences?" TaeYong asks and Yuta gives him a grin.

"Just yours TaeYongie," he replies with a wink and the term has TaeYong turning his face away to hide a reddening cheek. "What is most important? Tell me."

"You deserve to be loved too, you shouldn't ignore that."

Yuta goes silent and stares at TaeYong's back. There's disbelief clouding everywhere. He doesn't want to accept that he deserves to be loved. _I know what I deserve._  But there's the delicateness of TaeYong's tone as he says this almost convincing him that he does deserve someone. TaeYong says this as if he truly means it.

_I'm a piece of crap TaeYong. You can't possibily think I deserve to be loved. I'm a monster, I make a mess of everyone's lives as if mine isn't screwed enough. Like, impulsively._

And even though he wants to stick to his intuition and fight for his thoughts, he knows that he's going terribly wrong. There was a time when Yuta was good at reading people and emotions- he still is but with TaeYong and Ten the skills are fading. With Ten, he went all wrong and TaeYong, he went worse than that but he's starting fresh.

This time, he's seeing TaeYong in a new light.

But it's still blank pages.

Instead of an open book, Yuta now finds TaeYong different, as if those pages were blank for a reason, like how a letter written with lime can't be read until held against heat- TaeYong's character is different as Yuta learns how to look at it from another angle. He is a mystery he wants to uncover but then, looking at him fold baby paper planes and haul them against the unruly wind, watching him pout when it falls perpendicularly and jump when it flies- strangely he finds his company heartwarming.

Or maybe it was the setting. Midnight, roofs and open skies, the elements are pathetically romantic and Yuta guesses that they must be the things making him change his demeanour towards TaeYong.

It is then that he remembers how few nights ago, TaeYong had said he'd leave him. It's difficult to imagine that. And Yuta had not even asked him to stay but TaeYong had.

"Hey..."

"Hm?" TaeYong says, still folding a pink sheet carefully.

"Don't ever leave. Please," he says, hoping that it's not the wrong time or the wrong words because he's afraid of screwing up everything.

He expects TaeYong to reassuringly tell him that he won't. And then maybe Yuta can sleep without a feeling of loneliness but then TaeYong only looks at him unemotionally.

"I can't guarantee that," TaeYong says and then turns his side to him, fingers picking at some origami swan he had made earlier.

Yuta's heart drops. "What do you mean?"

"I'll tell you. Someday," TaeYong says and as much as Yuta wants to shake him and get the matter out, he needs to respect that others don't wish to say things sometimes.

"I hope that someday is near," he tells him, with an awkward smile.

"And I hope it isn't. Because I can't face it," TaeYong says, looking right at Yuta in a manner that has Yuta's heart jumping for the nth time he'd made eye contact with him.

 _Darn it.  
_  
×

Yuta tosses and turns on his bed. Sometimes his hair gets caught in the mesh of the stuff toys and he angrily throws them away.

_What the fuck do you mean by you can't face it? Face what? I fucking told you I don't want you to leave me and- and you say you can't guarantee anything? That means you'll leave, right? Not now but eventually? You'll throw me out of your life, we'll ditch all the fun like we had in these few days and then I'll be by myself...right?_

TaeYong is easy to talk to. TaeYong is really fun. He doesn't get on Yuta's nerves anymore. TaeYong understands it gets uncomfortable when Yutensol sit in their usual corner and Yuta has to pretend it's all good because he doesn't want HanSol to even guess that something's off between he and Ten so TaeYong always saves him with an excuse. TaeYong always picks him up when he slips, like he'd done on stage back then. TaeYong does Yuta's laundry too, like he used to before the rules and all. Also, TaeYong makes pink paper blossoms and sticks them in Yuta's hair which he should find annoying but he doesn't. Yuta should be repulsed at how TaeYong comments, "You're pretty" when he drops a barrel of paper flowers on him but instead, he blushes.

_I can't believe I fucking blush._

Overall conclusion, TaeYong is a nice human being, and Yuta has a few things he wants from him. He wants more rooftop visits, he wants his company, solely because he values the advantages that come with it but at the same time there's a prickling thing in his heart.

_If he's leaving, what am I wasting time on?  
Wait, why am I paying so much attention to what time I spend with TaeYong - it's just hanging out. Not soul bonding or dating or anything that I should be taking seriously. Taeyong can go as he pleases. I shouldn't be bothered. He isn't obliged to stay._

Yuta has to press down the feeling that he'd be devastatingly alone if he doesn't have TaeYong. But then he can't be dependent on a single person just because he finds himself inexplicably happy around him.

Yuta sighs and tells himself that he should be honest and admit that he finds all of TaeYong extremely tempting. Yuta feels the want to know him so bad that he'd do anything.

Yuta is frustrated because it's impossible to want to have someone's company when they're only making you temporarily happy by doing practically nothing.

_I think I want him._

_But that's love,_ Yuta argues with himself, letting out a muffled sound into his pillow.

_God, I feel like an emotional whirlpool._

Whatever it is, if TaeYong is eventually going to leave Yuta doesn't see the point in speaking to each other. What's the point in trying to lessen these feelings of hatred when TaeYong, in the end by leaving, is going to rekindle them again?

 _I'll ask him,_ Yuta thinks to himself. _The earlier the better._

He closes his eyes. His mind is brimming with scenes of how TaeYong flew paper planes and in his head, there were stars in the sky too, but none so bright as TaeYong.

Just a simple thought. And Yuta doesn't know why it lulls him to sleep.

×

If it's half past ten and there isn't anything particular scheduled, everyone knows where TaeYong stays.

It's the seventh floor. Always. TaeYong likes to practice alone, he doesn't even let a soul into the room and no one dares to disturb his business.

The moment HanSol opens the door to the practice room, he finds TaeYong on the floor, panting hard.

"Tae..yong?"

But he boy's head moves to the side and he falls unconscious.

×

"Hyung fainted?" JiSung asks as he looks at Yuta filling up bottles with rehydration solutions for TaeYong.

"He practiced too hard," Yuta says. JiSung gives a sypathetic glance. He also doesn't fail to notice how caring Yuta is, regarding his roommate.

"He told me he was frustrated too. He overworks himself when he's like that."

On hearing this, Yuta almost screeches the table he was dragging.

"Hey why don't you get some water for him?"

And JiSung goes to fetch water. Yuta keeps looking at TaeYong's sleeping face, wondering what got him so bothered that he was compelled to practice so much to distract himself.

TaeYong you gave me a mini heart attack. Get better.

Yuta climbs on the bed beside him. He attaches himself to TaeYong's side and tries to sleep.

His hand clasps over TaeYong's unmoving one.

_Just get better._

×

It's two o clock when TaeYong wakes up warm. For some reason, his heart is beating fast though he feels as if a brick hit his head. He doesn't remember having dinner.

Yuta's sinus problem chooses this moment to interrupt his perplexity and TaeYong bursts into loud giggles. On looking around, he sees a couple of tables have been pushed together to make room for what TaeYong recognizes are lots of bottles of water.

He doesn't really want to drink anything. His body feels burdened and he hears Yuta's snore suddenly going crescendo. What even-

Yuta's snoring and falling off from the side of the bed and all somebody needs to do is push him to let him find the floor.

And TaeYong does exactly that.

It's the best way to wake anyone up.

"OW"

×

"TaeYong this is crazy," Yuta says and runs after him to the roof. But TaeYong, glucose bottle secure in hand, is already jumping up to the door. He gives Yuta one last mischievous look before going out in the open.

"You need rest please. Don't be an ass," Yuta whines but TaeYong doesn't listen and sits down, legs folded right in the middle.

"TaeYong I'm tired, I can't drag you down please come with m-"

"You look like you've been meaning to say something to me. What is it?"

_How did he know?_

"I'll tell you when we get down," Yuta says, sounding tired already.

"No I'm not moving until you tell me."

The climb up the stairs makes Yuta's joints hurt and shoulders slump. It's just not the physical weariness, he doesn't know how he should put it before TaeYong without sabotaging the carefully built - wait.

_What even is between us?_

He groans and walks around the roof and TaeYong watches from his place on the floor, sipping at the bottle.

"Just tell me why you can't stay in my life. It's been bugging me."

"Well why do you want me in your life Yuta? You hate me, don't you?"

The words sting. They sting so much. Yuta chooses to keep his voice down. TaeYong is frustrated; Yuta can't yell at him.

"After all the time we've spent together- TaeYong how could you-"

"If I quote your words from that night, the time we've spent doesn't matter, does it?"

"TaeYong why are you being like this?"

"Why do you want me to stay Yuta? Is it because you feel guilty of hating me all this time and you want to cover it under how I always happen to ignore that you've ripped me apart in the past?"

"It's...it's not that"

"Oh good because I can't forget it Yuta. Having to look at you- you who probably mentally killed me every day of my life. What did I ever do to you that you were so left with no choice but to hate me? Being in the same room as you was terrible. You avoided me, you judged me and now you want me to stay? So that you can feel like you finally have someone after being blatantly rejected by Ten- really, are you that petty?"

Yuta can't hold it. He takes a walk to where TaeYong is sitting, calmly, if one judged from the exterior but inside he was burning with rage.

 _You did it.  
_  
He slaps TaeYong on the face so hard that the bottle falls from his hands.

When TaeYong looks back into Yuta's eyes he's thunderstruck because they're spilling tears. Yuta wipes them swiftly and goes to pick up the leaking bottle, placing it before TaeYong.

Sitting silently for a while with Yuta panting but still letting out a frustrated stream of tears whilst trying to look at the sky ro distract himself, for TaeYong, the world is spinning.

He can't help but feel like Yuta's words or coldness could never break him inside as this single blow had done.

"I'm sor - "

"There's nothing to apologise for."

"Yuta..."

Yuta lets out an expression of sheer disgust and the next second he's yelling. "Yeah I'm lonely TaeYong, and yes my heart is fucking broken into pieces you can't even see, yes I feel guilt because I hurt you but none of these things are why I fucking need you to stay! Stop assuming I'm being selfish because I'm not! I've tried seeking affection from people, communication but in the end everything is nothing and I've realised time heals pain like nothing else can."

TaeYong can only stare.

"I know you're hurting like I am. And I don't want to leave you until I fix you, because I made you this way. I intend to change all of this. I'm sorry you're hurt, I'll try to be better," Yuta confesses and extends a hand to pull him up.

"I'm not giving up on you just yet. Maybe these things are happening for something better in the future. So stay, please don't ever leave. You always take so much on yourself and never burden anyone and gosh you're hurting and I-I can't see it anymore. I didn't care but I do now, believe me and I will. I promise I'll try to be there when you need me- you have my word."

_TaeYong, do you know how important you've become to me?_

Yuta had intended to yell at TaeYong about how he wants his company because he finds it reassuring but instead, he felt a blazing desire to change the past, to make it disappear. He feels overcome with the want to get TaeYong out of his turmoil, he wants to help him.

"You can't change it Yuta. You can't fix me."

"Why?"

"You're in love with Ten."

"I don't see how that's relevant."

For TaeYong this is the moment his heart really gets run over by a tractor. Yuta doesn't deny that he still loves Ten.

_Nothing's worth it._

"Then congratulations. You are officially free from the burden of having to stay with me. I don't want you. So I guess I can leave, and I will leave."

×

Yuta sleeps in the main hall these days.

_TaeYong can have the comfort for all I care._

_This extra bed is nice._

_No I don't want to talk to anyone._

_No, we didn't fight._

_Don't ask any more questions._

_Thanks Ten, I needed that hug._

_Oh- well thanks everyone. I needed that group hug too.  
_  
TaeYong peeks through the space between the slightly opened door and the wall. Yuta's sad smile is what he sees before shutting the door and landing on the bed with a terrible pain running over him.

Yuta's hurting.

 _TaeYong you're taking a stand for yourself._ He thinks, biting his lips. His mind says stay put but every other part of him is screaming to run over to Yuta, hold him and never let go.

TaeYong sighs as he looks at the empty bed beside him, untouched.

_It's not my place to love Yuta._

_I'm giving up._

When night falls, everyone is asleep but Yuta is thinking. Just like he's thought every night of these months after TaeYong said he didn't want him. He still stays in the main hall, though his stuff is in their previously shared room.

Yuta thinks he's figured out what love is, because even though he's broken. All those broken pieces want TaeYong. And more than wanting TaeYong, he wants TaeYong to be happy. If TaeYong doesn't want Yuta, that's not going to stop Yuta from thinking about him, that's not going to stop Yuta from smiling, that's not going to stiffle his resolve to give TaeYong all he can, even though he doesn't want him. But at the same time he'll let TaeYong be.

It sucks. Not having him.

But TaeYong still lives and practices in the same place. He still sees him. Though it hurts, Yuta can tell himself that maybe one day TaeYong will forgive him and then they can start all over again.

Maybe then, if they ever end up on the roof at midnight, observing unknown people and flying badly engineered new paper plane models, Yuta will tell him how he's thankful, not caring about breaking rule one.

TaeYong broke rule five. He didn't just show Yuta what love possibly was, he made him feel it. And Yuta recalls that wasn't part of the agreement.

Maybe if TaeYong speaks to him again, Yuta will tell him he loves him.

With worthless hopes and a bandaged heart, Yuta goes to sleep.

TaeYong, on the other hand, has darkening bags under his eyes. He comes in late, practicing harder than ever and tiring himself till he can't feel his limbs and his voice is more than cracked.

He tries to ignore Yuta's sleeping figure when he enters the hall.

He tries.

_We're human. Shit happens. I have let go of him._

TaeYong's feet have a mind of their own, he walks to Yuta's bed, looks over his sleeping face and drops a light kiss on the corner of his mouth. And there's not one night that he doesn't do this. There hasn't been one night that he foesnt feel like picking Yuta up and bringing him back to their shared room, back to him.

_I can't let go, can I?_

**Author's Note:**

> ~~personally, I despise this fic.~~


End file.
